100 lbs Down: Part 3 (The Finale)

Warning: This post mentions disordered eating and negative body image.

I am going to spare you a lot of details. To be honest, I am not comfortable going in depth about how what began as a healthy lifestyle change spiraled into a whirlwind of restrictive and disordered thinking. Just know that before I knew it, I was enveloped with the fear of going over my calorie limit for the day. I was eating mostly raw fruits and vegetables with lean proteins. No sugar, fat, or joy for that matter.

Then came college. I went away for my bachelors degree and it was the first time I would enter a school not being the "fat girl". I spent most of that time doing everything I could to keep the weight off. Unfortunately, I was drinking so much that I couldn't "afford" many more calories without gaining weight. Luckily, I found that my partying wasn't so much because I liked it, but more because I liked the people I was partying with. But this isn't about my bad judgment of character. This is about my journey.

Looking back, I am eternally grateful that the individuals I was fond of were older than me. That meant I had about 2 years where they had graduated and I was alone. At that time, I was longing for the familiar feeling of getting lost in eardrum damaging music and the taste of cheap vodka mixed with diet Mountain Dew. However, with the lack of drunken late nights came the opportunity for reflection.

I had time to build new relationships with people I now call my best friends. I found myself practicing yoga and meditation in my cramped dorm room and practicing gratitude for all I was. And although I still had days where I despised what I saw in the mirror, I now had the ability to logically recognize that my thoughts were not completely my own, but the disordered thinking making itself known. By recognizing that, I was able to bring myself out of those depressive episodes. Now I am not saying I cured my depression, not by a long shot. But I am saying that on those "special" days, I can use logic to remind myself that it is just an off day and my self-perception is not accurate; it's not fact.

3 years and 20 pounds later here I am. A heavier, but much healthier me. I now eat, workout, and meditate all from a place of self-love rather than self-hate. I prioritize healthy foods and indulge when I wish. But every time I eat something unhealthy, I truly enjoy it. It was a long and exhausting journey that I wouldn't trade for anything else in the world. Because without the drawbacks I wouldn't be who I am today.

My journey has led me to have a career where I can spend my days helping others get healthier while they learn their worth. I can build people up and teach them the importance of self-love as they are working to meet their dietary goals. That is why I started Vitality Rose Nutrition; because this journey is about so much more than the number on the scale.